Business.
A little bit of a different vibe on this one. Not quite as much of a piece of writing as it is a genuine update just on what’s been going on in my life. I’ve come to an understanding about myself and how I want my future to look and I need to put it to writing and release it into the world so that I’m magically held accountable and my intention is known. I’ll talk about magical thinking later, just go with it for now.
The Big Revelation happened a few days ago, and I’ve done a lot in the past few days to really change the direction I was heading to something I would be happier with in the long run. A future I could actually see myself finding happiness in and creating something I could be proud of. This past year has been a long, slow journey to finding myself for the first time in a long time. A lot happened, both personally and socially, that forced me to look hard and honestly at myself and the things that I value. This pandemic, although a tragedy in and of itself, has acted as a crucible, and with millions of people stuck at home with nothing else to do, they started to scrape the scum away from the molten core of humanity. The BLM movement, Epstein and Ghislaine Maxwell, public health and safety, police brutality… Things that might have been swept away in a more active news cycle are remaining in the collective consciousness of humanity. So many people liberated from the incessant work cycle found themselves with the time and energy to campaign for change. On a personal note, I’ve spent the last four and half months alone with my thoughts, and although the walls I’d built up in my mind held strong for a time eventually I found the weak spots, and in a mutual act of self-sabotage and self-realization, I cracked some of my defenses.
It sparked a months-long depression, with no work to force me out of the apartment, and money being deposited into my bank account, I was free to wallow in my chrysalis of bleakness until something snapped, and things changed again. I emerged from 4 months alone with my thoughts with a more developed, clearer idea of both who I was and who I wanted to be. In June I came out to friends and family as queer, and found one of the many things I’d convinced myself was a horrible secret was largely received with love and acceptance, albeit some confusion thrown in. This is all something I’ve talked about before and I’ll talk about more later because the meat of what I want to say lives in the future, not the past or the present. Things really became clear when I went back to work for the first time since March.
Once the idea of work and the thrill of seeing my friends again wore away, I was faced with the chill reality of my personal feelings towards working, and more importantly, working for someone else. I consider myself a lazy person, although I have a drive most genuinely lazy people can’t manifest. I thought my lack of motivation stemmed from my own shortcomings, that if only I was a more put-together person I would be able to easily fit myself into the pegboard of the job market and find success in the mundane realities of working life. I thought my innate laziness mixed with depression was preventing me from applying myself in a working environment, which I realize now is not the truth. Depression of course is a reality in my life I have no choice but to come to terms with, but what I’ve come to realize is laziness isn’t my problem with entering a workforce, it’s vitriolic, all-consuming hatred for the platitudes and deliberate obfuscation of corporation. I despise corporations, I personally can’t stomach working for a corporate identity, that tries to hide behind false optimism and corporate buzzwords. It feels so disingenuous and flagrantly manipulative I am having a hard time coming to terms with working in that environment at all.
So onto the big reveal of this post. I’ve spent the past few years in the workforce, I’ve been employed consistently since I was 13 years old. I got my first job before I even hit high school. It’s time for me to take my life by it’s horns and try desperately to cling to it as it careens into the future. My goal is to be entirely self-employed by the end of 2021, with the freedom to work entirely from home on my own terms and pursue projects that I find challenging and interesting. A dark-furred elk has been watching me with fire in its eyes, waiting for me to reach out to grab it, and until now I’ve been too afraid to grasp it. I’m not afraid of my own future anymore, because I know in my heart I’m capable of putting in the effort to find success, and that if I have an active goal I can work towards. When I brought up what creative routes I wanted to pursue with my mom I got the feeling she thought I was trying to take an easy way out, that I didn’t want to put in the effort to find success, but I chose the things I did because I genuinely believe I can offer something of value. That my effort here will be rewarded and I’ll find happiness in these pursuits. Starting this coming Saturday at the time of posting (Aug 8th 2020) I’m going to be making my Twitch debut, an improvised storytelling stream where yours truly weaves a tale live based on prompts from the audience. I’m starting a YouTube channel, to express myself creatively through film, I’m starting a podcast in Winter 2020 as another creative release, I’m finally making the official jump into freelancing (or making my best effort to do so). Most importantly, I’m starting a clothing brand, Brain Death Clothing which is going to launch sometime early next year. I’ve had the desire to start a clothing brand since I was 12 years old, and I finally feel like I’m in a position where I have the necessary skills and the necessary drive to see it happen.
I want to grab the horns of this elk, who so patiently waited for me to be ready to reach out. I know my hands will get tired, and I’ll want to let go, and let the elk run off into the trees, but I refuse to allow myself to settle for less than would bring me happiness. I know what I’m looking to accomplish, and I refuse to allow myself to let that future slip away from me for what might be the last time. It’s been a hell of a long time since I’ve looked forwards with any sort of optimism, and honestly, I don’t want to go back to the life I’d settled for. I’m not afraid of reaching out, and the elk is waiting for me.
The fire in it’s eyes burns my soul and sets me on fire.
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